Real barbecue.

In honor of the 7,349 barbecues I'm scheduled to attend over the next few days, I would just like to state that the Weber grill is the poor man's volcano. So if anyone would like to skip all the patriotic hoo-ha and fly out to Lanzarote, just say the word. I'm thinking some pollo and churrasco and maybe a chorizo or two, cooked over geothermic heat. It's not that I have anything against patriotic hoo-ha; I just think El Diablo restaurant (inside Timanfaya National Park; admission 8 Euros) could kick your BBQ's ass, since its grill is liquid hot magma. Keep up with the Joneses, por favor.

All this rain makes me want vino.

The nasty weather on the East Coast today is reminding me of Sonoma, and I mean that in the nicest possible way. Last time I was there, we were chased out of our wine tastings by mudslides -- luckily not before we had a chance to stop at Benziger Family Winery, a biodynamic farm with a fabulous and cheap tractor tour ($10). They even provide wool blankies if it's rainy and freeeeezing. My favorite tidbit: In lieu of icky pesticides, they breed bug-eating bugs to kill off the plant-eating bugs. My favorite grape: The 2004 North Coast Sauvignon Blanc. My favorite gadget: GPS, which is nice when the roads you know are flooded.

I'll go get my suit.

I'm not much of a history buff, but the pool at Le Meridien Pyramids makes me want to go bond with the ancients. I could stare at this picture for hours, so who knows how much time I could waste at the actual pool. I love the juxtaposition of the dapper bartender against the untamed desert of Giza. Do you order another zibib at the swim-up bar, or drag your lazy ass out of the pool and walk to the greatest wonders of the ancient world, barely a mile away? (Seriously, go to Google Maps and search "Le Meridien Pyramids, Cairo" on satellite view. And just ogle.) Besides, I just like the idea of staying at Le Meridien without having to turn my purse upside-down at the check-in desk -- it's only $130 for a deluxe king. More money for zibib!

$1000 or Less: Honolulu

The world's most isolated city is known for its mai tais, ahi, outriggers, surfers, white sand beaches, luaus, and a price tag that'll leave you with post-aloha depression. But here's a secret: You don't actually have to stay at the Four Seasons and eat at Roy's every night. Honest. No one will chastise you for crashing wherever the sheets are clean and chowing on plate lunches and Spam. Here's how to get there (and back, if you must) for a grand.

FLY: From LA to HNL for $300.

STAY: For 4 nights at Honolulu's Hawaiiana Hotel, the bastion of old-fashioned aloha. That means fresh pineapple on arrival, Kona coffee every morning, and free umbrellas if it rains. The rooms are extremely basic, but why are you in your room?! The shops along Beachwalk are right outside your door; Waikiki beach (in front of the uber-ritzy Halekulani Hotel) is a long-ish block away. Suck it up, because rooms start at $125.

EAT: Plate lunches ($6), North Shore shrimp trucks ($11), malasadas ($2), Zippy's, and the food court at International Marketplace.

DO: Snorkel at Hanauma Bay Preserve ($5), hike Diamond Head ($5-ish), visit Pearl Harbor (free!), take a group surf lesson ($40), get a mai tai at the Mai Tai Bar at the Royal Hawaiian ($9), or do absolutely nothing at all.

J'aime Montreal!

To quote Mallrats, I love the smell of commerce in the morning. Thus my fascination with Montreal's underground city, which lets visitors keep shopping in the most vicious of wintry weather. Why curl up by a fireplace (so cliche) when there are 1,700 warm, dry boutique stores beneath your feet? But now there's actually a reason to visit in the milder temps -- Tourisme Montreal is offering a sweet half-off deal for the third night of a stay between now and October 15th. A bunch of downtown hotels are participating, but I've got my eye on the Hotel Place d'Armes in Old Port, because 'tis important to stay within stumbling distance of nightlife when you plan to experience the joie de ivre. No, that's not a typo. Rooms start at $191/night, so if you stay three nights, it averages out to $159/night -- not too shabby for a four-star.

Pod People

The hotel selection in NYC generally falls into one of two categories -- "overpriced" or "stank" -- so I love the new Pod Hotel on 51st Street between 2nd and 3rd Aves. The rooms are freakishly small (hence the name), but the prices are also freakishly low, considering every room has a clean bed, an iPod dock, and an LCD TV. Queen and double rooms get their own private bath; single and bunk rooms have to share with the neighbors. Whatever -- it's only a few bucks more than a hostel. Even on the 4th of July, singles are $99/night and a queen is $169. It's not convenient to much of anything, but my wallet just doesn't care. Metrocard will save the day!

Greece is the word.

It's no secret to anyone who knows me that I have an unhealthy obsession with Santorini. It's my holy grail of traveling; I actually have recurrent nightmares wherein I only have 24 hours on the island and I can't decide how to spend it. I guess it's better than dreaming about spiders. Anyway, I felt like I was one step closer to my Santorini dreams when I heard about Oia Castle, a luxury caldera villa that's WAY cheaper than the biggies like Katikies or Perivolas. Rates in October are under $300 -- that's dollars, not Euros. I'm madly in love with the Volcano Junior Villa, above -- I don't know whether to drool over the view or the bathtub mosaic. Sigh.

Of course, this is just my fantasy of the Perfect Greek Getaway. The sensible part of me would/will probably shack up at Chelidonia, a budget-friendly villa with equally yummy caldera views and a much sweeter price tag of around $180/night.