It's the hard knock life.

When you tell people you're skiing in Aspen, make sure you say it with an obxonious fabulosity. Casually allude to a private charter jet. And then book your room at the Sky Hotel, a cute little Kimpton boutique with cute little price tags. It's a block or two from the gondola for Ajax Mountain, and has an onsite ski rental. There's also a heated pool, wi-fi, a daily wine reception, and really annoying music on the website. Check their specials page before you book -- right now they're running a Pumpkin Sky promotion, which gets you a double room with daily lift tickets for $275 a night. If you don't plan on leaving the lodge, it's even cheaper.

Pack extra socks.

I whine as soon as the temperature dips below 70, and yet I'm counting the minutes until Quebec's Ice Hotel re-opens so I can spend a regret-filled night shivering on a bed of deer pelts. The hotel is carved from ice every year and stays open from January through April, when it melts. I don't know if I'm more attracted to the transience and imminent destruction, or the vodka bar. I mean, they serve drinks in ice shot glasses!

Keep in mind, this is more of an experience than a hotel. Rooms start at $200 per person -- check their site for early-booking discounts -- but for the five-star price, you're getting communal bathrooms, a partially frozen staff, and a thermostat that's stuck at 25 degrees. (Thanks, nature.) If you must be pampered, maybe skip the overnight stay; day tours are available for $15.

Get ready to relax, or not.

I'm obsessed with Rio de Janeiro because it has two of my favorite beach bonus features: topography and overcrowding. Seriously, as much as I love a nice secluded beach, I kind of love battling for an empty patch of sand. Ipanema Beach has chilly water and rough currents, but the view makes up for it. (Besides, Rio's other popular beach is Copacabana, and if we're talking about beaches that inspired songs, "Girl from Ipanema" is the clear winner.) Rooms at the Best Western Sol Ipanema start at $150 USD for a double with breakfast included. Except to pay waaaaay more during Carnival, and don't bother waiting for low season -- the hottest month is February, but it only beats the dead of winter by seven degrees.

Aurora or bust.

I'm obsessed with the Northern Lights. I've read the scientific explanation a few thousand times, but it makes zero sense to me and frankly, I don't really care. It's pretty. The lights are most visible between October and April; for the best chance of viewing, shack up as close to the Arctic Circle as possible. And since the lights aren't exactly reliable, may I suggest Iceland? At least you won't be bored and freezing if Aurora Borealis goes on break.

Simple bare necessities.

It's been awhile since I updated, because I needed to take some time off to focus on more important things. Like processed meats. I just got back from Munich and other assorted Bavarian cities, where I ate about sixteen pounds of sausage. Best find: The super-simple hotel room at the Hotel Royal, near Munich's main train station. It was only 159 Euros/night during Oktoberfest, which means it's practically free during any normal time of year. The room pictured must be their presidential suite, because our room was the size of...well, a bed. And nothing more. But it's sparkly clean, centrally located, and the continental breakfast rocks the Alps. Seriously, free bratwurst? Dang!

It's electric.

I have a minor fear of shorting out my entire hotel, but after reviewing old vacation photos, I've realized that traveling without hair appliances is not an option. So for my upcoming trip to Germany, I decided to invest in a proper adapter and surge protector. I've seen models sell for upwards of $50 at Sharper Image, but I went with the Franzus All-in-One from Adorama instead -- a much more wallet-friendly $12.85 (plus shipping). Bonus: It adapts to outlets in the UK, Europe, Asia, and parts of Africa, so I can plug in anywhere without blowing a fuse.

It's better on a Monday.

What happens in Vegas is usually overrated. Seriously. The hotels are tacky, the buffets are nasty, and the Strip is packed with weekend warriors desperate to have some sort of craaazy thing happen to them.

But I can't hate on Vegas completely, because it does have two things I love: neon, and $1 margaritas. And even though last night's VMAs made me want to stab myself in the eye, they also made me want to stay at the Palms. Maybe that's because the show was basically a two-hour commercial for the Maloof digs. Whatever, I'm sold. But I'll skip the $329 weekend rate -- and the corresponding crowd -- and stick with the midweek discounts, which start at $129 on Sundays. Same hotel, same fab lounges, fewer desperate tourists. Triple play!

Nice jail cell.

I love re-imagined buildings -- hospitals that become apartment buildings, banks that become restaurants, train terminals that become hotel lobbies. So I'm newly obsessed with Boston's Liberty Hotel, which opened yesterday in the former Charles Street Jail. They've cleaned up a little -- rooms have LCD TVs and Molton Brown toiletries. (I'd pocket a few bottles of shower gel. Hey, you're already in jail.) The exercise yard is now a courtyard; the drunk tank is now a bar called ALIBI; and the doorhangers say "Solitary" instead of "Do Not Disturb." The only downside: unless you spring for one of the 18 rooms in the historic building, you'll probably be sleeping in the new 16-story tower across the courtyard. But you can still toast the cell-block dwellers at the casual restaurant, Clink. Of course, it'd be nice if they got their reservation system up and running so I could list the rates; you get bathrobes, so it must be a little pricey. If you'd only known, you could've robbed a bank in 1989 and stayed for free.

Positively ravaged.

It's always nice when a hurricane misses -- for obvious reasons, of course, but also because you get the same pristine beach resort at crazy low rates. Tulum is already back in biz after Hurricane Dean, and you can score a cabana at the cute La Zebra for $100/night. Rooms are simple, but think "boutique," not "shack." The new-ish cantina serves up charcoal-grilled meals, and they even have wi-fi. Might as well stick around until December.

No more arm length pics.

Despite the awkward product shot, I am obsessed with the QuikPod. (It is neither fast nor affiliated with Apple, so I'm guessing the name refers to its usage as a slightly more convenient tripod.) Basically, you attach the handheld stick thingie to your camera, set the self-timer, and snap a pic that actually contains your entire face and some scenery. "That's nice," you say. "But can't you just ask a friendly stranger to snap your picture?" Sure. Unless, say, you've just climbed Mount Everest and your sherpa is taking a water break. Or you're in a sketchy area that already has you clutching your makeshift fanny pack precariously. Or you just don't want some idiot stranger taking a picture of your nose and the Empire State Building. The QuikPod costs about $30 at Amazon -- worth it if you travel solo. (Need an excuse to spend more money? The LCD screen on the Canon PowerShot A630 flips and rotates, so you can preview your self-portrait before you snap it. Sweet!)

These are almost cute.

I sincerely believe that Crocs are the scourges of fashion. I have nothing against comfortable footwear, but I draw the line at wearing a $30 foam clog that looks like a cross between a wiffle ball and clown vomit. Croc devotees can wax rapturous all they want; at the end of the day, they're still wearing fugly shoes. However, I will admit that these "Cleo" sandals aren't entirely putrid. I'd still rather walk the entire Jersey coastline in five-inch heels than give in to the cult of Crocs, but at least this color combo is sunny and cute, and they (mostly) lack the Bozo-chic vibe. Score?

Neutral goes with everything.

I was feeling pretty good about my footprint until I took this quiz, which alerted me to the fact that it would take five planets to sustain my lifestyle. Agghh! Now, I will argue that there were no specific questions about home energy use. If I am going to live without A/C, give me some credit, dammit! But travel consumes a decent chunk of carbon (though apparently not as much as my voracious love of carne), so calculate your next flight's footprint at Carbon Neutral, then pony up a few GBPs to offset the damage. Voila! Guilt-free globetrotting.

We could go down to the harbor.

One good reason to go to Newport: By now, the store at left is probably closed, so you won't have to encounter the scary mannequins. Two more: Glitz and chowder. The glitz is found at the mansion tours (the Marble House is especially gaudy and fantastic.) The chowder is found anywhere near the harbor.

Thames Street is the only place to stay, and I say that with complete knowledge that Middletown is totally convenient and far cheaper. But the nightlife there consists of a Chili's and a Walgreen's, so stick with downtown Newport. I would sleep at the Red Parrot if they let me, but it's not a hotel, so they won't. The grand Hotel Viking, a few blocks off the harbor, will. (If you go to their webpage, turn the volume down or you'll regret it.) Their rack rates are $300 and up, but you can usually find rooms on Expedia for less than $200. If you're not having luck, try the nearby America's Cup Inn -- rooms are $179. A lot of them suffer from a serious case of ugly, but Room 305 lacks the floor-to-ceiling floral effect.

Glitch in the matrix.

I've been completely slacking on the posts recently, because I've been too busy dreaming of currywurst. More specifically, I'm planning a trip to Munich next month for Oktoberfest, but somehow all the museums and castles pale in comparison to the fab food selection there. I am a big fan of processed meats, and I suspect that Bavaria will be my wunderland. Back to reality soon! (P.S. I think Yahoo Travel is onto me -- they've listed Munich as "Today's Pick" for a week now.)

Not another shipwreck.

Jason Taylor is a sculptor and a dive instructor, which explains why he took his latest masterpieces and dumped them in the bottom of Grenada's Moliniere Bay. The result: Either the artsiest snorkeling trip you'll ever take, or the strangest art gallery you'll ever visit. In shallow water about two miles north of St. George's, the underwater sculptures are affected by everything from light refraction to coral colonization. On a narcissistic level, my favorite is "The Lost Correspondent"; otherwise I'd vote for "The Un-Still Life."

By the way, Grenada is in low season like the rest of the soggy Caribbean -- but it's located below the hurricane belt, so the sun is usually shining. I need to book a flight yesterday.

Sand on the brain.

Maybe it's because my beachy Sunday was rained out, but I can't stop dreaming about tropical hideaways. The emphasis is on "hide" at Bahia de la Luna in Nowheresville, Mexico. (More specifcally, the beach town of La Boquilla in Oaxaca; the website has helpful tips on how to find the place.) You can drive 40 minutes to enjoy civilization with other tourists, or you can just hang out and borrow the free kayaks and snorkel gear. The restaurant is under a palapa on the sand, but you can still get sashimi and ceviche. And even though your beach hut may be a tad rustic (right), it's only $77 for a double -- $65 if you go during low season. Not a bad deal.

Budget-friendly bungalows.

Overwater bungalows are invariably expensive. One exception: The Coconuts Beach Club, in Apia on the Samoan island of Upolu. Their fales run $349 a night -- about one-third of what you'd normally pay for a suite on stilts. That means the rooms are basic; you'll get a king bed, a stone bathroom, fab views and not much else. But it's $349 a night. At that rate, you could buy yourself some 1,000-thread-count sheets and Aveda toiletries to take along for the journey. Voila; instant upgrade.

If you have land legs, their treehouse suites are $239 and their standard garden rooms are $199. But I have to admit, there's a special place in my heart for Mika's Old Apartment, an empty room in the staff housing. For $60 a night, you can stay in what the hotel calls "definitely our worst accomodation." You'll be next door to the GM, who sings in the shower. And you can only book through the website, because "We would be too embarrassed to have a Travel Agent know that we are selling this room." I always appreciate truth in advertising.

Don't hate me because I'm Honolulu.

I'm a sucker for quizzes. I recently took a quiz called "What Breed of Dog Are You?" even though I am not a dog, have no intentions of ever becoming a dog, and don't even own a dog. (I'm a chihuahua, by the way. Because I'm honest, saucy, and intense. You know, like a chihuahua.)

So naturally I'm addicted to Find Your Spot, which helps you find your perfect home base based on important criteria like weather, culture, and budget. I think my love for excessive heat and big cities, combined with my tolerance for molten lava, is what secured Honolulu as a top spot. Other frontrunners were Charleston, San Bernardino, and Biloxi -- all of which will move up on my list of future travel obsessions, because we're so MFEO.

It's getting chili.

When I went to Rutgers, the on-campus Wendy's used to print out receipts that boldly proclaimed, "Wendy's chili is the staff of life." And I have to agree. But I'm going to extend that to any chili. Even Hormel vegetarian chili with beans.

If you feel the same way about chili, check out this amazingly brilliant and indispensable (I don't think I'm overstating) site from the International Chili Society. It lists every chili cook-off in the country, so you won't miss out on the best meats and peppers in your home state. Of course, if you're a fellow fan of the Hormel veggie with beans, keep in mind that pasta and beans are strictly verboten for competitors. You can't have it all.

$1,000 or Less: Islamorada

When you see a place like this -- where ex-presidents go to unwind and the poolside cabanas have plasma TVs -- you generally expect to whittle away your life's fortune. But if you can resist temptation from the tiki-hut spa, you may actually get out of here with some savings left over.

FLY: NYC to FLL $125

RENT: A car to get you to Islamorada and back via the Overseas Highway, a two-hour drive but a destination unto itself. An economy ride for four nights through Budget will set you back $96.

STAY: Four nights at the ridiculously pretty Cheeca Lodge & Spa. You really can't beat the fabulosity of their pool. Why hide in the cabanas? The rooms are lush too, with marble soaking tubs and pillow-top mattresses, but that only helps if you manage to drag yourself off these cool mini-docks. The best part? They know how to run a special. Most upscale hotels think package pricing means throwing in a bottle of champagne, doubling the room rate, and calling it the "Romance Package." Here, you can stay three nights at $219 and get the fourth night free. So classic!

DO: The $39 resort fee (per night) includes free use of the resorts kayaks and bicycles. You have to fork it over either way, so take advantage.

EAT: The on-site Atlantic's Edge restuarant is closed during summer low season, but the seafood's better (and cheaper) at local fave Bentley's, anyway. You can even BYO fish. Or if you love rodizio like I love rodizio, go to Braza Lena for salsichao and filet mignon wrapped in bacon.

TOTAL: $995. Okay...excluding food. But I'm not apologizing.

Award-winning sugar coma.

There is no such thing as bad chocolate. I include ancient chocolate buried under the sofa cushions in that statement, along with melted chocolate, dollar-store chocolate, and chocolate that's gone stale and developed those weird sugar-mushroom blobs all over it.

But good chocolate is goooood. And I guess Hilton knows it, because they recently held a contest to honor the best chocolate dessert at their hotels. The winner: Cappuccino Chocolate Delight from the Hilton Sandestin Beach. The yumalicious concoction has been added to the menu at the hotel's Sandcastles and Seagar's restaurants, or you can whip it up yourself if you're good with a mixer. I'm tired just reading this recipe; plus I'd rather have an excuse to go to Florida.

RECIPE:
1 slice: chocolate sponge
4 each: egg yolk
2 oz: sugar
8 oz: cream cheese
3 cups: heavy cream (whipped)
1 oz: Myers Original Dark rum
2 oz: coffee espresso
8 oz: Godiva white chocolate
1 cup: heavy cream
12 oz: Godiva dark chocolate
1 oz: raspberry puree
1 oz: mango puree
1 oz: granulated sugar

Whip egg yolk until fluffy. Cook two ounces of sugar to a soft ball and add it to the egg yolk. Melt the white chocolate with the coffee and fold it in the cream cheese and whipped cream. Arrange the sponge in a cake mold and soak the sponge with the rum. Pour the mix in the cake mold and freeze it.

Lodging in the final frontier.

I love a room with a view, and you can't beat the 360 views from a room at the futuristic Galactic Suite. Well, actually it's not too futuristic -- it's scheduled to open in 2012. Nor are the views really 360 -- you know, infinite blackness and all. But if you book a planetview suite (I'm just guessing on the terminology here), you'll get a nice view of the earth's curvature. I don't know if they'll give out free upgrades to honeymooners or loyalty program members, but I'd assume that a room without a view is basically as good as locking yourself in a dark closet.

Rack rates are $4 million for tropical-island training and a three-day stay in space. (Yep, minimum stays are strictly enforced.) But let's be honest. I don't foresee the earth's orbit becoming the new Bondi Beach. Once the billionaires and celebrities are over it, I anticipate plenty of empty rooms. Hello, Priceline!

On the downside, I bet the continental breakfast sucks.

No passport? No worries.

The passport situation has gotten so dire that I got a notice from the county clerk yesterday saying, "Look, you know that whole Western Hemisphere Travel Initiative thing? Our bad. We underestimated the popularity of Canada, and the current wait for a passport can now be measured in light years."

Luckily, my beloved doesn't expire again until 2014. For those less fortunate in matters of good timing, viva Puerto Rico! It's U.S. territory, so you can hop in and out with nary a worry. And it's not exactly a sacrifice, especially if you stay at the fabulously boutique-y Bravo Beach Hotel on Vieques. The hotel has been featured on the CN Traveler Hot List, but they still haven't jacked up their prices accordingly -- rooms, in all their iPod-dock-and-frette-linen glory, start under $200. The restaurant is actually a tapas bar and wine gallery, and they'll even pack you a box lunch for the beach. How warm 'n' fuzzy is that?

Improve hygiene, save the world, etc.

Hotel soap is the work of the devil. I suspect the key ingredients are cutting oil and talc. My favorite BYO suds right now: The Owl, from Gianna Rose Atelier, which may be the darn cutest $20 you'll ever spend; and Daisy Soap from Body Shop ($4.50), which makes you all squeaky-clean inside and out, since it's made with community-trade shea butter and the proceeds go to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.

Keep the toile.

I've been noticing a surprising formula lately: the price of a B&B room is indirectly proportional to the ugliness of said room's decor. By which I mean, the primo rooms are disasters of carved wood and gilded mirrors and seizure-inducing toile, while the cheapest rooms are generally understated and thoroughly inoffensive. It's like the less they spend on decorating, the less likely you are to stare at pink floral wallpaper and gold cherub statues. Take the Swann House (left) on Dupont Circle in DC, for example; the $265 Blue Sky Suite is pattern-mania, while the cut-rate Nantucket and Shanghai'daway rooms are minimalist and modern. Even the sea horse wallpaper is cute.

It's four o'clock somewhere.

There really isn't anything clever to say about tea: I like it. It's good for you. It goes well with assorted pastries. Although in London, it may as well be liquid gold. I mean, 36 pounds for afternoon tea at the Ritz? That's a hefty chunk of change for some smoked salmon and clotted cream. I don't even like clotted cream. A much better bargain can be found at the Bramah Museum of Tea and Coffee on Southwark Street, where you can get afternoon tea for a fully reasonable nine pounds. That includes cucumber sandwiches, a hot crumpet, and cake with your tea. If you'd rather skip the sammies and stick with sweets, a cream tea (scones, cake, and tea) is only seven pounds. You might even be able to afford dinner later!

It's almost morning in Iceland.

I can think of a few million reason why I'd like to be in Iceland right now. For starters, the temperature is only climbing into the mid-50's tomorrow. (Well, they use Celsius, so I guess it's climbing into the elevens.) Also, they're getting 18 hours of sunshine right now, which is fantastic. And last, I'd like to spend some quality time in the Blue Lagoon. It's $28 to get in, 100 degrees in the water, and they have a full menu of spa treatments. Their spa products are also available online -- but considering a bottle of algae body lotion is $61, you might as well just swing for the airfare, no?

Excess in Texas.

I could gain five pounds in San Antonio. Because even though I'd pay a visit to the Alamo and walk through the Natural Bridge Caverns, I know I'd spend the majority of my time eating my way down the Riverwalk. There are few things I like more than a waterfront pathway, especially one with Christmas lights and spicy food. My needs are simple.

First stop: Dick's Last Resort, part of a mini-chain of BBQ joints, for a bucket of ribs ($17.99 for a rack) and a Mile High Peanut Butta Pie ($4.99).

Next: Casa Rio, a 60-year-old Mexican restaurant with the famous (well, famous if you're a photo junkie) primary-colored umbrellas along the river. Keep it real with an enchilada platter.

And finally: A dinner cruise from Cafe Ole, which includes chili con queso, a monster fajita, and fried ice cream for $30. Margaritas are an extra $10, but they put Marnier in 'em, so that's a plus. Note to my local bartender: "Golden margarita" does not mean "put Cuervo in it."

Sleep off the calories at the Drury Inn on the Riverwalk...it's within rolling distance. For $139 a night, they even have a rooftop pool, but I fear I'd sink right to the bottom.

So many "train" cliches to choose from!

I've only slept in a train station once, and that was an accident. Look, if they don't want people sleeping in Grand Central, they shouldn't make that staircase so darn comfortable. Anyway, there is a place where you can snooze by the tracks without getting a rude wakeup call from station security. St. Louis' defunct Union Station -- the last train left in '78 -- is now a combination shopping center, entertainment complex, and Hyatt Regency hotel. Queen rooms start at $109, and the Grand Hall has been converted into a swanky lounge. With architecture like that, I'm not sure I'd ever leave.

This could be heaven or this could be hell.

I love yard sales. I rarely buy anything -- I think my last acquisition was a $1 accordion-style wine rack three years ago. But I could easily spend every weekend trolling sales. I love seeing what ex-treasures were downgraded to trash; like, why are you just now ready to part with that collection of 78's or that antique baby powder tin or that sequined wreath? That's why I'm obsessed with the 127 Corridor Sale, aka the World's Longest Yard Sale. And they mean "longest" in the truest sense of the word -- the goods spread 450 miles from the sale's HQ in Jamestown, Tennesee. The sale runs from August 2-5, 2007, so you only have a few days to tune up your car for the long crawl. But if you've been searching far and wide for a Donald Duck bobblehead or used steel-toe boots, this is your place.

$1,000 or Less: Aruba

It's hurricane season, my favorite time of year to take dirt-cheap Caribbean vacations. Aruba jumps on the low-season bandwagon every summer, but I still don't know why. This is an island that gets three inches of rain in its wettest month (December) and has a four-degree deviation between the middle of summer and the dead of winter. There's no such thing as low season here. So visit now -- while they're pretending the weather sucks -- and use the money saved on a Balashi.

NYC to AUA: $375 (Delta flies direct; from Philly, try US Airways)

HOTEL: Three nights at the Amsterdam Manor Beach Resort, above. If you can handle walking across a teeny street to Eagle Beach, it's one of the best deals on the island. A studio runs $159/night between April and December, and the decor is simple and inoffensive (no beachy-neon bedspreads). Order a rum something-or-other from the Tropical Beach Bar, dine on the sand at Passions, or get a quick bite at Mango's open-air restuarant. Or cook for yourself, since every room has a kitchenette.

EAT: If you love meat, do yourself a favor and eat a ton of it at Amazonia (near Palm Beach). For around $35, you'll get rodizio-style service until you beg them to stop. Mmm. By the way, chicken tastes so much better when it's wrapped in bacon. For a really cheap meal, grab a bag of plantain chips at any convenience store, or visit a roadside stand and try a meat- or fish-filled pastechi (usually around $2).

DO: Nothing. That's the specialty here. Or, if you must, spring $15 for a tube ride from one of the beach vendors. But don't put any faith in their safety measures. It's not a thrill ride unless you can actually get severly injured.

TOTAL: $904. Spend the rest on all the meals I overlooked in my churrascaria daze.

It's a cold day in Dubai. Sort of.

Let me preface this by saying that I love, love, love Dubai's total lack of simplicity. They've got the world's tallest hotel, the futuristic Burj al-Arab, looming 1,053 feet over an artifical island. They've got the Palm Islands and The World. But most importantly, it's 93 degrees in the shade and they've got skiing. Hey, why not? Ski Dubai is located inside the Mall of the Emirates, which (naturally) is one of the biggest malls in the world. A full-day lift ticket costs $73 and gives you access to five runs and a snowpark (the biggest in the world, if you hadn't guessed). It'll also get you rental skis, a jacket, snowpants, socks and a helmet -- all the things you don't pack when heading for the Arabian Peninsula.

Come and get me, mosquito.

I swear, every time I go to the beach, I come home with six different types of bug bites. Two complications this time: One, I have a bite on the inside of my middle toe that is killing me. And two, I'm out of Humphrey's. WAIT! Before you click, let me clarify. On a late-night walk along Palm Beach in Aruba, I acquired no less than thirty bites -- three on one toe, and itchy toes are my pet peeve. When I finally stumbled down to front desk the next morning and begged for some Benadryl or a shotgun, the fabulous concierge instructed me to buy a pot of Humphrey's Anti-Itch Ointment. It says the active ingredient is plain old benzocaine, but I can assure you it's made of magic and wishes and sunshine. Now for the downside: it's marketed as a hemorrhoid cream stateside. Try to ignore that, and pack a pot on your next trip to the tropics. Your toes will thank you.

Yurtastic.

I also considered "yurts so good" as a headline, but decided it was best to forego it. But how glam is this little yurt in the middle of England's Cornwall county? I love the cozy floor cushions and Moroccan lanterns -- beats my hand-me-down Coleman tent anyday. (And I love my Coleman.) I'm a little leery of the nearby "compost toilet," but it also has a bathtb with a wood-burning water heater, so how bad could it be? Plus, it's only a few miles from the beaches of Port Isaac, Port Gaverne, and Trebarwith Strand. I'll bring the s'mores.

Is it low season yet?

Sleeping in Prague can be pricey. Unless, of course, you stay in your own little studio at Kozna Apartments, owned by the beloved Arcadia Old Town. Then you only have to shell out $108 (tax included) for a two-person studio tucked behind Old Town Square. Hold off until low season, and it's only $80. And once you've sidestepped the astronomical hotel prices, the rest is a cakewalk. Wander around Old Town (free), visit the Charles Bridge (also free) or stroll through the national museum (a whopping five bucks). Yes, wallet, I love you too.

Swizzle in, swagger out.

I think Bermuda's reputation as the stuffy counterpart to the Caribbean is a little bit unfair. For starters, Bermuda shorts are totally fun. I dare you to disagree. And consider their national drink: the rum swizzle, a mix of black seal rum, barbados rum, OJ, pineapple juice, grenadine, bitters and lime. Yum. The Swizzle Inn, with locations on the South Shore and Bailey's Bay, is the best spot to drink as many as you can handle (check their logo, above). They even offer a jug for $22.75 -- come on, how stuffy is that? And since Bermuda's chichi cuisine can drain your wallet, it's important to know that you can get bangers and mash here for $14.75. Yum again.

More lava!

Nothing makes a good vacation better quite like a volcano does. That explains my love affair with Hawaii, Santorini, Lanzarote, St. Lucia, Pompeii...even Yellowstone. Bonus points if the volcano is active. And triple bonus points if it spews glowing red lava down its western slope nightly, like the Arenal Volcano in Costa Rica. Needless to say, the majority of hotels set up shop on the eastern slope in La Fortuna. My personal favorite is the Volcano Lodge, where you can watch the seismic show from the freeform pool or hot tub. And it's only $84/night in "green season," which runs May through December. That means it's going to rain. A lot. Like eight inches a month -- so if you're made of sugar, you may want to spring the $110/night for high season instead.

Also, one final round of bonus points to Costa Rica for putting swim-up bars in their hot springs -- a noble idea if I've ever heard one. A visit to Baldi Hot Springs is only $25 -- besides the ten spring-fed pools, it has a restaurant and spa. Ahhh.

Thai one on.

I'm starving, which may be why I'm dreaming of my favorite cheap eats in DC -- Bangkok Bistro on Prospect Street in Georgetown. I love the pad thai, and I love the spring rolls, and I love the fact that their website currently has Georgetown misspelled as "Gorge Town." Or maybe that was intentional; I guess it's accurate, either way. There are plenty of places to overpay for a decent meal in DC. If you want crazy ambience for $11, I'd go here instead.

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Maybe it's because I don't have air conditioning, but I've been doing a lot of fantasizing about Alaska lately. Mostly I've been drooling over pics of Glacier Bay National Park, an amazing system of mountains, fjords, lakes and (duh) glaciers. Since it's 65 miles fro the nearest interstate -- aka Juneau -- it's only accessible by plane or boat. And I sure as hell am not about to land a puddle-jumper on that giant ice cube. Luckily, a lux cruise ship totally counts as a boat. Most of Princess Cruises' Alaskan routes dock at Glacier Bay for nine or ten hours; you can get an oceanview cabin for as little as $699 in August. (Cruises are almost always cheaper at the last minute.) They don't sail from October through March, so get moving.

So hip it hurts.

It's winter in Cape Town right now. Luckily, if you shack up at Daddy Long Legs, you don't even need to leave the warmth of your bed to see artwork from some of South Africa's creative geniuses. Since I love maps, my personal favorite is the "You Are Here" room (middle) designed by architect Andre Vorster. But I give an honorable mention to the "Photo Booth" room (right) designed by photog Antony Smyth. The rooms start at a dreamy $85/night -- but no matter how tasty these pics look, the vibe is geared more towards backpackers than boutique snobs. It's on busy Long Street in the city center, but if you can handle the noise (and the lack of TV), it's a fab deal in a unique hotel.

Better than Six Flags!

I don't understand why theme parks around here don't look anything like Xcaret Eco Theme Park in Playa del Carmen. I guess rollercoasters are fun in their own way -- except for the nausea -- but can we discuss the total superiority of this place? You can snorkel a coral reef, snooze on the beach, relax in a lagoon, swim in an underground river, take a snuba tour, see a rodeo, swim with dolphins...you get the point. Plus they have all sorts of awwww-inspiring animal exhibits. And it's only $53 to get in ($80 extra if you want to bond with Flipper).

You cell phone just wants to help.

I'll admit it, I was slacking on the posts this weekend. But there's a good reason: I was mooching. I spent the weekend at the Jersey shore, sleeping on my aunt's floor and gorging on soft pretzels (25 cents each) and homemade cookies (free).

Ahh, frugality.

Anyway, for more far-flung excursions, I've recently become addicted to the free text help you can get from Google via cell phone -- without paying a fortune per minute for web access. Need a phone number? Text the name and zip to GOOGL (46645, if you're too lazy) and it'll shoot back the digits. No habla espanol? Can't parlez-vous francais? Text the letter T, the word or phrase, and the language you need to translate to or from (for example, t beer to spanish) and you're an instant bilinguist (cerveza!).

Just not while driving. 'Kay?

I'm sure your $100 bottle is nice too.

I just read that my favorite vino, the illustrious Two-Buck Chuck from Trader Joe's, was awarded top honors this week at the California State Fair Commercial Wine Competition. I feel like my firtborn just won a Nobel Prize. Well, except I don't have any kids. But I do have a soft spot for $2 wine, so I'm very proud of my beloved, grapetacular Charles Shaw 2005 Chardonnay -- although I think the awesome Shiraz should be allowed to borrow the gold medal on special occasions. Congrats, mon Chuck!

Blah blah blah...

I guess it goes without saying that I like to talk about traveling. And when I can't find anyone who'll listen to me, a travel journal comes in handy. I love this Travel Collage from Barnes and Noble ($10.36) -- you can't tell from the pic, but it has an accordion folder on the left for ticket stubs, brochures, receipts, stickers, and photos, plus a notepad on the right for worldly observations. Besides, it's cute.

This place exists.

Pictures of Zion National Park always look retouched, because it's hard to believe that something like this photo can actually just happen without any sort of digital manipulation. But, of course, it does look like this, and you owe it to the world to go see it. Especially since it's dirty-cheap. Entrance to the park only costs $25 for a week-long vehicle pass, so you'll have plenty of time to see it all. (Okay, so maybe that's not true. But you will have plenty of time to do enough hiking to deplete a year's supply of Advil.)

The Driftwood Lodge, two miles from the park entrance, has deluxe queen rooms for only $119 in the summer. But my money's on the Cliffrose Lodge and Gardens -- $139 for a king, 200 yards from Zion, with a waterfall jacuzzi. Pop some ibuprofen and meet me there.

Amsterdam, sans savings account.

Planning a trip to Amsterdam can cause a not-so-mild case of sticker shock, especially when hotels like the Amstel InterContinental are asking $648 per night for a standard king. But it's also the kind of place you could go on a whim, as long as you're willing to turn down the turndown service and forego the pricey financial district. Luckily, in Amsterdam, that's hardly a sacrifice. Some alternate choices: Hotel Hoksbergen (left), on a canal in the Singel area, runs $123 per night for a double. If that's still not close enough to the canals for you, you can always rent the PhilDutch Houseboat (right) for $165 per night. Just pack Dramamine...and go easy on the beer.

My heroine!

I am obsessed with Amsterdam, not for its brown cafes or Red Light District, but because I absolutely must see the annex where one of my all-time favorite books was written. Obviously I'm talking about Anne Frank, but not the version we all read in middle school, which was heavily edited by her father to fit the stardards of decency in the '50s. I'm talking about the fabulous unabridged Definitive Edition, wherein Anne rails against her housemates, lusts after Peter, and is generally bored with attic life. Oh, and she's actually funny. Read it again, I'm serious. Anyway, the Anne Frank Huis on Prinsengracht just got better, with the addition of extra family letters and photos courtesy of Anne's cousin Buddy Elias. The museum is open all year (with later hours in the summer) and costs only 7.50 Euro for admission.

Check back for a post on Amsterdam lodging...

Keep your passport cozy.

My passport is one of my prized possessions and the best $67 I've ever spent. Therefore, it deserves to travel in style. I get a surprising number of comments on my purple suede passport holder from (bored) airport security staffers. But I'll concede that this Diarpell Passport Case ($14.95, BN.com) is equally cool. I'm a sucker for antique maps, so...'nuff said. It even has an inside pocket for your license, credit card, or ticket stubs.

$1,000 or Less: Ireland's Dromoland Castle

I'm not a big fan of vacation packages -- I've often found them to be more expensive than searching for air and hotel separately. But I'll make a big, big exception for the Sceptre Tours of Ireland. So big, in fact, that it lands them on my $1,000 or less list.

The package includes:

- Air from NYC to Shannon

- One night in an airport hotel

- A four-night voucher for farmhouse B&B's

- One royally fabulous night at Dromoland Castle

- A stick-shift car rental

-Breakfast daily

Now, keep in mind that a single night at Dromoland is 195 Euro and a ticket to Shannon is around $575. Ready?

TOTAL: $979

Slainte!

Why you'll never find me in first.

A recent argument about the virtues of first class reminded me again why I adore coach. I defy anyone to find one thing about the front cabin that justifies a $1,000 upcharge.

Let's start with a little analogy. Last week, I went to a hole-in-the-wall, counter-service Mexican restaurant, where I was charged $15.95 for a plain ol' burrito served on cafeteria trays with plastic knives and a tiny cup of salsa. Total rip-off, right?

Okay. Now let's discuss the people who pay $1,000 for the following perks:

1) "Better" food, which is still inarguably nasty airline food served with plastic utensils. The difference is, this fine meal just cost them the same as their ENTIRE food budget for the rest of the trip.

2) Shorter check-in lines, thus saving about 15 minutes which they will instead spend watching CNN in their plastic chairs at the gate because first class still takes off at the same time as coach. Unless, of course, they choose to wait in the...

3) First class lounge! Or, in essence, a fluorescent-lit nightclub with a cover charge fifty times higher than Ghostbar. But hey, there's beer, which may or may not be free depending on which airline they're flying.

4) Wider seats. Because nothing is more relaxing than a leather seat that sort of reclines while sharing a dry, airless cabin hundreds of strangers.

5) Champage, maybe. Although again, they may just get orange juice. But if they're on one of the luxury liners that serves bubbly, they can rest assured knowing they paid a cool grand for that glass. Sip, don't gulp.

Overall, I think the first class cabin is the biggest tourist trap in the world. Why spend hard-earned money -- or valuable points -- for an extra few inches of leg room? (Especially considering the average American spends 60 hours at their not-so-comfortable desk to save up that much money.) Save the cash and extend your vacation by a few days. Trust me, even the rockiest beach is more relaxing than a recliner in business class, and even the lousiest dive bar beats a $1,000 glass of cheap champagne.