It's the hard knock life.

When you tell people you're skiing in Aspen, make sure you say it with an obxonious fabulosity. Casually allude to a private charter jet. And then book your room at the Sky Hotel, a cute little Kimpton boutique with cute little price tags. It's a block or two from the gondola for Ajax Mountain, and has an onsite ski rental. There's also a heated pool, wi-fi, a daily wine reception, and really annoying music on the website. Check their specials page before you book -- right now they're running a Pumpkin Sky promotion, which gets you a double room with daily lift tickets for $275 a night. If you don't plan on leaving the lodge, it's even cheaper.

It's better on a Monday.

What happens in Vegas is usually overrated. Seriously. The hotels are tacky, the buffets are nasty, and the Strip is packed with weekend warriors desperate to have some sort of craaazy thing happen to them.

But I can't hate on Vegas completely, because it does have two things I love: neon, and $1 margaritas. And even though last night's VMAs made me want to stab myself in the eye, they also made me want to stay at the Palms. Maybe that's because the show was basically a two-hour commercial for the Maloof digs. Whatever, I'm sold. But I'll skip the $329 weekend rate -- and the corresponding crowd -- and stick with the midweek discounts, which start at $129 on Sundays. Same hotel, same fab lounges, fewer desperate tourists. Triple play!

Nice jail cell.

I love re-imagined buildings -- hospitals that become apartment buildings, banks that become restaurants, train terminals that become hotel lobbies. So I'm newly obsessed with Boston's Liberty Hotel, which opened yesterday in the former Charles Street Jail. They've cleaned up a little -- rooms have LCD TVs and Molton Brown toiletries. (I'd pocket a few bottles of shower gel. Hey, you're already in jail.) The exercise yard is now a courtyard; the drunk tank is now a bar called ALIBI; and the doorhangers say "Solitary" instead of "Do Not Disturb." The only downside: unless you spring for one of the 18 rooms in the historic building, you'll probably be sleeping in the new 16-story tower across the courtyard. But you can still toast the cell-block dwellers at the casual restaurant, Clink. Of course, it'd be nice if they got their reservation system up and running so I could list the rates; you get bathrobes, so it must be a little pricey. If you'd only known, you could've robbed a bank in 1989 and stayed for free.

These are almost cute.

I sincerely believe that Crocs are the scourges of fashion. I have nothing against comfortable footwear, but I draw the line at wearing a $30 foam clog that looks like a cross between a wiffle ball and clown vomit. Croc devotees can wax rapturous all they want; at the end of the day, they're still wearing fugly shoes. However, I will admit that these "Cleo" sandals aren't entirely putrid. I'd still rather walk the entire Jersey coastline in five-inch heels than give in to the cult of Crocs, but at least this color combo is sunny and cute, and they (mostly) lack the Bozo-chic vibe. Score?

We could go down to the harbor.

One good reason to go to Newport: By now, the store at left is probably closed, so you won't have to encounter the scary mannequins. Two more: Glitz and chowder. The glitz is found at the mansion tours (the Marble House is especially gaudy and fantastic.) The chowder is found anywhere near the harbor.

Thames Street is the only place to stay, and I say that with complete knowledge that Middletown is totally convenient and far cheaper. But the nightlife there consists of a Chili's and a Walgreen's, so stick with downtown Newport. I would sleep at the Red Parrot if they let me, but it's not a hotel, so they won't. The grand Hotel Viking, a few blocks off the harbor, will. (If you go to their webpage, turn the volume down or you'll regret it.) Their rack rates are $300 and up, but you can usually find rooms on Expedia for less than $200. If you're not having luck, try the nearby America's Cup Inn -- rooms are $179. A lot of them suffer from a serious case of ugly, but Room 305 lacks the floor-to-ceiling floral effect.

Don't hate me because I'm Honolulu.

I'm a sucker for quizzes. I recently took a quiz called "What Breed of Dog Are You?" even though I am not a dog, have no intentions of ever becoming a dog, and don't even own a dog. (I'm a chihuahua, by the way. Because I'm honest, saucy, and intense. You know, like a chihuahua.)

So naturally I'm addicted to Find Your Spot, which helps you find your perfect home base based on important criteria like weather, culture, and budget. I think my love for excessive heat and big cities, combined with my tolerance for molten lava, is what secured Honolulu as a top spot. Other frontrunners were Charleston, San Bernardino, and Biloxi -- all of which will move up on my list of future travel obsessions, because we're so MFEO.

It's getting chili.

When I went to Rutgers, the on-campus Wendy's used to print out receipts that boldly proclaimed, "Wendy's chili is the staff of life." And I have to agree. But I'm going to extend that to any chili. Even Hormel vegetarian chili with beans.

If you feel the same way about chili, check out this amazingly brilliant and indispensable (I don't think I'm overstating) site from the International Chili Society. It lists every chili cook-off in the country, so you won't miss out on the best meats and peppers in your home state. Of course, if you're a fellow fan of the Hormel veggie with beans, keep in mind that pasta and beans are strictly verboten for competitors. You can't have it all.

$1,000 or Less: Islamorada

When you see a place like this -- where ex-presidents go to unwind and the poolside cabanas have plasma TVs -- you generally expect to whittle away your life's fortune. But if you can resist temptation from the tiki-hut spa, you may actually get out of here with some savings left over.

FLY: NYC to FLL $125

RENT: A car to get you to Islamorada and back via the Overseas Highway, a two-hour drive but a destination unto itself. An economy ride for four nights through Budget will set you back $96.

STAY: Four nights at the ridiculously pretty Cheeca Lodge & Spa. You really can't beat the fabulosity of their pool. Why hide in the cabanas? The rooms are lush too, with marble soaking tubs and pillow-top mattresses, but that only helps if you manage to drag yourself off these cool mini-docks. The best part? They know how to run a special. Most upscale hotels think package pricing means throwing in a bottle of champagne, doubling the room rate, and calling it the "Romance Package." Here, you can stay three nights at $219 and get the fourth night free. So classic!

DO: The $39 resort fee (per night) includes free use of the resorts kayaks and bicycles. You have to fork it over either way, so take advantage.

EAT: The on-site Atlantic's Edge restuarant is closed during summer low season, but the seafood's better (and cheaper) at local fave Bentley's, anyway. You can even BYO fish. Or if you love rodizio like I love rodizio, go to Braza Lena for salsichao and filet mignon wrapped in bacon.

TOTAL: $995. Okay...excluding food. But I'm not apologizing.

Award-winning sugar coma.

There is no such thing as bad chocolate. I include ancient chocolate buried under the sofa cushions in that statement, along with melted chocolate, dollar-store chocolate, and chocolate that's gone stale and developed those weird sugar-mushroom blobs all over it.

But good chocolate is goooood. And I guess Hilton knows it, because they recently held a contest to honor the best chocolate dessert at their hotels. The winner: Cappuccino Chocolate Delight from the Hilton Sandestin Beach. The yumalicious concoction has been added to the menu at the hotel's Sandcastles and Seagar's restaurants, or you can whip it up yourself if you're good with a mixer. I'm tired just reading this recipe; plus I'd rather have an excuse to go to Florida.

RECIPE:
1 slice: chocolate sponge
4 each: egg yolk
2 oz: sugar
8 oz: cream cheese
3 cups: heavy cream (whipped)
1 oz: Myers Original Dark rum
2 oz: coffee espresso
8 oz: Godiva white chocolate
1 cup: heavy cream
12 oz: Godiva dark chocolate
1 oz: raspberry puree
1 oz: mango puree
1 oz: granulated sugar

Whip egg yolk until fluffy. Cook two ounces of sugar to a soft ball and add it to the egg yolk. Melt the white chocolate with the coffee and fold it in the cream cheese and whipped cream. Arrange the sponge in a cake mold and soak the sponge with the rum. Pour the mix in the cake mold and freeze it.

Keep the toile.

I've been noticing a surprising formula lately: the price of a B&B room is indirectly proportional to the ugliness of said room's decor. By which I mean, the primo rooms are disasters of carved wood and gilded mirrors and seizure-inducing toile, while the cheapest rooms are generally understated and thoroughly inoffensive. It's like the less they spend on decorating, the less likely you are to stare at pink floral wallpaper and gold cherub statues. Take the Swann House (left) on Dupont Circle in DC, for example; the $265 Blue Sky Suite is pattern-mania, while the cut-rate Nantucket and Shanghai'daway rooms are minimalist and modern. Even the sea horse wallpaper is cute.

Excess in Texas.

I could gain five pounds in San Antonio. Because even though I'd pay a visit to the Alamo and walk through the Natural Bridge Caverns, I know I'd spend the majority of my time eating my way down the Riverwalk. There are few things I like more than a waterfront pathway, especially one with Christmas lights and spicy food. My needs are simple.

First stop: Dick's Last Resort, part of a mini-chain of BBQ joints, for a bucket of ribs ($17.99 for a rack) and a Mile High Peanut Butta Pie ($4.99).

Next: Casa Rio, a 60-year-old Mexican restaurant with the famous (well, famous if you're a photo junkie) primary-colored umbrellas along the river. Keep it real with an enchilada platter.

And finally: A dinner cruise from Cafe Ole, which includes chili con queso, a monster fajita, and fried ice cream for $30. Margaritas are an extra $10, but they put Marnier in 'em, so that's a plus. Note to my local bartender: "Golden margarita" does not mean "put Cuervo in it."

Sleep off the calories at the Drury Inn on the Riverwalk...it's within rolling distance. For $139 a night, they even have a rooftop pool, but I fear I'd sink right to the bottom.

So many "train" cliches to choose from!

I've only slept in a train station once, and that was an accident. Look, if they don't want people sleeping in Grand Central, they shouldn't make that staircase so darn comfortable. Anyway, there is a place where you can snooze by the tracks without getting a rude wakeup call from station security. St. Louis' defunct Union Station -- the last train left in '78 -- is now a combination shopping center, entertainment complex, and Hyatt Regency hotel. Queen rooms start at $109, and the Grand Hall has been converted into a swanky lounge. With architecture like that, I'm not sure I'd ever leave.

This could be heaven or this could be hell.

I love yard sales. I rarely buy anything -- I think my last acquisition was a $1 accordion-style wine rack three years ago. But I could easily spend every weekend trolling sales. I love seeing what ex-treasures were downgraded to trash; like, why are you just now ready to part with that collection of 78's or that antique baby powder tin or that sequined wreath? That's why I'm obsessed with the 127 Corridor Sale, aka the World's Longest Yard Sale. And they mean "longest" in the truest sense of the word -- the goods spread 450 miles from the sale's HQ in Jamestown, Tennesee. The sale runs from August 2-5, 2007, so you only have a few days to tune up your car for the long crawl. But if you've been searching far and wide for a Donald Duck bobblehead or used steel-toe boots, this is your place.

Thai one on.

I'm starving, which may be why I'm dreaming of my favorite cheap eats in DC -- Bangkok Bistro on Prospect Street in Georgetown. I love the pad thai, and I love the spring rolls, and I love the fact that their website currently has Georgetown misspelled as "Gorge Town." Or maybe that was intentional; I guess it's accurate, either way. There are plenty of places to overpay for a decent meal in DC. If you want crazy ambience for $11, I'd go here instead.

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Maybe it's because I don't have air conditioning, but I've been doing a lot of fantasizing about Alaska lately. Mostly I've been drooling over pics of Glacier Bay National Park, an amazing system of mountains, fjords, lakes and (duh) glaciers. Since it's 65 miles fro the nearest interstate -- aka Juneau -- it's only accessible by plane or boat. And I sure as hell am not about to land a puddle-jumper on that giant ice cube. Luckily, a lux cruise ship totally counts as a boat. Most of Princess Cruises' Alaskan routes dock at Glacier Bay for nine or ten hours; you can get an oceanview cabin for as little as $699 in August. (Cruises are almost always cheaper at the last minute.) They don't sail from October through March, so get moving.

I'm sure your $100 bottle is nice too.

I just read that my favorite vino, the illustrious Two-Buck Chuck from Trader Joe's, was awarded top honors this week at the California State Fair Commercial Wine Competition. I feel like my firtborn just won a Nobel Prize. Well, except I don't have any kids. But I do have a soft spot for $2 wine, so I'm very proud of my beloved, grapetacular Charles Shaw 2005 Chardonnay -- although I think the awesome Shiraz should be allowed to borrow the gold medal on special occasions. Congrats, mon Chuck!

This place exists.

Pictures of Zion National Park always look retouched, because it's hard to believe that something like this photo can actually just happen without any sort of digital manipulation. But, of course, it does look like this, and you owe it to the world to go see it. Especially since it's dirty-cheap. Entrance to the park only costs $25 for a week-long vehicle pass, so you'll have plenty of time to see it all. (Okay, so maybe that's not true. But you will have plenty of time to do enough hiking to deplete a year's supply of Advil.)

The Driftwood Lodge, two miles from the park entrance, has deluxe queen rooms for only $119 in the summer. But my money's on the Cliffrose Lodge and Gardens -- $139 for a king, 200 yards from Zion, with a waterfall jacuzzi. Pop some ibuprofen and meet me there.

$1,000 or Less: South Beach

The sweltering weather today is reminding me of my long weekend in South Beach, a trip I can only look back on in memories...namely because the film in my disposable camera melted from the heat while I was on the beach.

SoBe has a reputation as a swanky paradise teeming with celebs, but let's be honest: It's really just a Florida beach. And that means it's budgetastic, as long as you don't feel the need to lodge at the Delano with all the other star-chasers. Here's the itinerary for a long weekend of indulgence:

NYC to MIA: $150 (Northwest and American usually have the lowets fares for this route)

HOTEL: Stay 4 nights at the Clinton Hotel ($132/night for a queen), a boutique hotel on 8th and Washington. Translation: Two blocks from the beach, but right near the clubs. The staff is friendly, the bar is chill, and there's even a pool -- a SoBe rarity. Crank the A/C, snuggle up in the down comforter, and forget it was 110 degrees on the sand.

EAT: Grab any meal you can at News Cafe, where Versace used to dine almost daily. It's one of the best food values in the area, with the absolute perfect people-watching location. My faves are the ham and brie panini ($11.50) and the salty, salty, salty margarita ($7.50...I think). Also try Pizza Rustica on 863 Washington.

DO: Sleep on the beach all day (free). Party all night at Opium, B.E.D., Mansion or Prive ($20 each for cover). If you have time in the middle, head for the stores -- there's a reason I left a little breathing room in the budget, you know.

TOTAL: $777.

Shoes.

These may be the cutest sandals I've ever seen. Or maybe I'm just blinded by the $11 price tag. Either way, you'd better believe that the Kino Sandal Factory on Fitzpatrick is going to be my first stop in Key West. Well, maybe my third; conch fritters and a margarita will have to take top priority. But then, the sandals.

Wigging out.

Ever wanted to sleep in a wigwam? Neither have I. But you have to admit that these wigwam motels are way cooler than your average Econolodge. Apparently this used to be a booming chain in the heartland, but all that remains are locations on Route 66 in Southern California, near Mammoth Cave in Kentucky, and near who knows what in Holbrook, Arizona. The prices are pretty retro -- A/C and a "remote color cable TV" for $45-80/night, depending on location.