It's the hard knock life.

When you tell people you're skiing in Aspen, make sure you say it with an obxonious fabulosity. Casually allude to a private charter jet. And then book your room at the Sky Hotel, a cute little Kimpton boutique with cute little price tags. It's a block or two from the gondola for Ajax Mountain, and has an onsite ski rental. There's also a heated pool, wi-fi, a daily wine reception, and really annoying music on the website. Check their specials page before you book -- right now they're running a Pumpkin Sky promotion, which gets you a double room with daily lift tickets for $275 a night. If you don't plan on leaving the lodge, it's even cheaper.

Pack extra socks.

I whine as soon as the temperature dips below 70, and yet I'm counting the minutes until Quebec's Ice Hotel re-opens so I can spend a regret-filled night shivering on a bed of deer pelts. The hotel is carved from ice every year and stays open from January through April, when it melts. I don't know if I'm more attracted to the transience and imminent destruction, or the vodka bar. I mean, they serve drinks in ice shot glasses!

Keep in mind, this is more of an experience than a hotel. Rooms start at $200 per person -- check their site for early-booking discounts -- but for the five-star price, you're getting communal bathrooms, a partially frozen staff, and a thermostat that's stuck at 25 degrees. (Thanks, nature.) If you must be pampered, maybe skip the overnight stay; day tours are available for $15.

Get ready to relax, or not.

I'm obsessed with Rio de Janeiro because it has two of my favorite beach bonus features: topography and overcrowding. Seriously, as much as I love a nice secluded beach, I kind of love battling for an empty patch of sand. Ipanema Beach has chilly water and rough currents, but the view makes up for it. (Besides, Rio's other popular beach is Copacabana, and if we're talking about beaches that inspired songs, "Girl from Ipanema" is the clear winner.) Rooms at the Best Western Sol Ipanema start at $150 USD for a double with breakfast included. Except to pay waaaaay more during Carnival, and don't bother waiting for low season -- the hottest month is February, but it only beats the dead of winter by seven degrees.

Simple bare necessities.

It's been awhile since I updated, because I needed to take some time off to focus on more important things. Like processed meats. I just got back from Munich and other assorted Bavarian cities, where I ate about sixteen pounds of sausage. Best find: The super-simple hotel room at the Hotel Royal, near Munich's main train station. It was only 159 Euros/night during Oktoberfest, which means it's practically free during any normal time of year. The room pictured must be their presidential suite, because our room was the size of...well, a bed. And nothing more. But it's sparkly clean, centrally located, and the continental breakfast rocks the Alps. Seriously, free bratwurst? Dang!

It's better on a Monday.

What happens in Vegas is usually overrated. Seriously. The hotels are tacky, the buffets are nasty, and the Strip is packed with weekend warriors desperate to have some sort of craaazy thing happen to them.

But I can't hate on Vegas completely, because it does have two things I love: neon, and $1 margaritas. And even though last night's VMAs made me want to stab myself in the eye, they also made me want to stay at the Palms. Maybe that's because the show was basically a two-hour commercial for the Maloof digs. Whatever, I'm sold. But I'll skip the $329 weekend rate -- and the corresponding crowd -- and stick with the midweek discounts, which start at $129 on Sundays. Same hotel, same fab lounges, fewer desperate tourists. Triple play!

Nice jail cell.

I love re-imagined buildings -- hospitals that become apartment buildings, banks that become restaurants, train terminals that become hotel lobbies. So I'm newly obsessed with Boston's Liberty Hotel, which opened yesterday in the former Charles Street Jail. They've cleaned up a little -- rooms have LCD TVs and Molton Brown toiletries. (I'd pocket a few bottles of shower gel. Hey, you're already in jail.) The exercise yard is now a courtyard; the drunk tank is now a bar called ALIBI; and the doorhangers say "Solitary" instead of "Do Not Disturb." The only downside: unless you spring for one of the 18 rooms in the historic building, you'll probably be sleeping in the new 16-story tower across the courtyard. But you can still toast the cell-block dwellers at the casual restaurant, Clink. Of course, it'd be nice if they got their reservation system up and running so I could list the rates; you get bathrobes, so it must be a little pricey. If you'd only known, you could've robbed a bank in 1989 and stayed for free.

Positively ravaged.

It's always nice when a hurricane misses -- for obvious reasons, of course, but also because you get the same pristine beach resort at crazy low rates. Tulum is already back in biz after Hurricane Dean, and you can score a cabana at the cute La Zebra for $100/night. Rooms are simple, but think "boutique," not "shack." The new-ish cantina serves up charcoal-grilled meals, and they even have wi-fi. Might as well stick around until December.

We could go down to the harbor.

One good reason to go to Newport: By now, the store at left is probably closed, so you won't have to encounter the scary mannequins. Two more: Glitz and chowder. The glitz is found at the mansion tours (the Marble House is especially gaudy and fantastic.) The chowder is found anywhere near the harbor.

Thames Street is the only place to stay, and I say that with complete knowledge that Middletown is totally convenient and far cheaper. But the nightlife there consists of a Chili's and a Walgreen's, so stick with downtown Newport. I would sleep at the Red Parrot if they let me, but it's not a hotel, so they won't. The grand Hotel Viking, a few blocks off the harbor, will. (If you go to their webpage, turn the volume down or you'll regret it.) Their rack rates are $300 and up, but you can usually find rooms on Expedia for less than $200. If you're not having luck, try the nearby America's Cup Inn -- rooms are $179. A lot of them suffer from a serious case of ugly, but Room 305 lacks the floor-to-ceiling floral effect.

Sand on the brain.

Maybe it's because my beachy Sunday was rained out, but I can't stop dreaming about tropical hideaways. The emphasis is on "hide" at Bahia de la Luna in Nowheresville, Mexico. (More specifcally, the beach town of La Boquilla in Oaxaca; the website has helpful tips on how to find the place.) You can drive 40 minutes to enjoy civilization with other tourists, or you can just hang out and borrow the free kayaks and snorkel gear. The restaurant is under a palapa on the sand, but you can still get sashimi and ceviche. And even though your beach hut may be a tad rustic (right), it's only $77 for a double -- $65 if you go during low season. Not a bad deal.

Budget-friendly bungalows.

Overwater bungalows are invariably expensive. One exception: The Coconuts Beach Club, in Apia on the Samoan island of Upolu. Their fales run $349 a night -- about one-third of what you'd normally pay for a suite on stilts. That means the rooms are basic; you'll get a king bed, a stone bathroom, fab views and not much else. But it's $349 a night. At that rate, you could buy yourself some 1,000-thread-count sheets and Aveda toiletries to take along for the journey. Voila; instant upgrade.

If you have land legs, their treehouse suites are $239 and their standard garden rooms are $199. But I have to admit, there's a special place in my heart for Mika's Old Apartment, an empty room in the staff housing. For $60 a night, you can stay in what the hotel calls "definitely our worst accomodation." You'll be next door to the GM, who sings in the shower. And you can only book through the website, because "We would be too embarrassed to have a Travel Agent know that we are selling this room." I always appreciate truth in advertising.

Lodging in the final frontier.

I love a room with a view, and you can't beat the 360 views from a room at the futuristic Galactic Suite. Well, actually it's not too futuristic -- it's scheduled to open in 2012. Nor are the views really 360 -- you know, infinite blackness and all. But if you book a planetview suite (I'm just guessing on the terminology here), you'll get a nice view of the earth's curvature. I don't know if they'll give out free upgrades to honeymooners or loyalty program members, but I'd assume that a room without a view is basically as good as locking yourself in a dark closet.

Rack rates are $4 million for tropical-island training and a three-day stay in space. (Yep, minimum stays are strictly enforced.) But let's be honest. I don't foresee the earth's orbit becoming the new Bondi Beach. Once the billionaires and celebrities are over it, I anticipate plenty of empty rooms. Hello, Priceline!

On the downside, I bet the continental breakfast sucks.

No passport? No worries.

The passport situation has gotten so dire that I got a notice from the county clerk yesterday saying, "Look, you know that whole Western Hemisphere Travel Initiative thing? Our bad. We underestimated the popularity of Canada, and the current wait for a passport can now be measured in light years."

Luckily, my beloved doesn't expire again until 2014. For those less fortunate in matters of good timing, viva Puerto Rico! It's U.S. territory, so you can hop in and out with nary a worry. And it's not exactly a sacrifice, especially if you stay at the fabulously boutique-y Bravo Beach Hotel on Vieques. The hotel has been featured on the CN Traveler Hot List, but they still haven't jacked up their prices accordingly -- rooms, in all their iPod-dock-and-frette-linen glory, start under $200. The restaurant is actually a tapas bar and wine gallery, and they'll even pack you a box lunch for the beach. How warm 'n' fuzzy is that?

Keep the toile.

I've been noticing a surprising formula lately: the price of a B&B room is indirectly proportional to the ugliness of said room's decor. By which I mean, the primo rooms are disasters of carved wood and gilded mirrors and seizure-inducing toile, while the cheapest rooms are generally understated and thoroughly inoffensive. It's like the less they spend on decorating, the less likely you are to stare at pink floral wallpaper and gold cherub statues. Take the Swann House (left) on Dupont Circle in DC, for example; the $265 Blue Sky Suite is pattern-mania, while the cut-rate Nantucket and Shanghai'daway rooms are minimalist and modern. Even the sea horse wallpaper is cute.

Excess in Texas.

I could gain five pounds in San Antonio. Because even though I'd pay a visit to the Alamo and walk through the Natural Bridge Caverns, I know I'd spend the majority of my time eating my way down the Riverwalk. There are few things I like more than a waterfront pathway, especially one with Christmas lights and spicy food. My needs are simple.

First stop: Dick's Last Resort, part of a mini-chain of BBQ joints, for a bucket of ribs ($17.99 for a rack) and a Mile High Peanut Butta Pie ($4.99).

Next: Casa Rio, a 60-year-old Mexican restaurant with the famous (well, famous if you're a photo junkie) primary-colored umbrellas along the river. Keep it real with an enchilada platter.

And finally: A dinner cruise from Cafe Ole, which includes chili con queso, a monster fajita, and fried ice cream for $30. Margaritas are an extra $10, but they put Marnier in 'em, so that's a plus. Note to my local bartender: "Golden margarita" does not mean "put Cuervo in it."

Sleep off the calories at the Drury Inn on the Riverwalk...it's within rolling distance. For $139 a night, they even have a rooftop pool, but I fear I'd sink right to the bottom.

So many "train" cliches to choose from!

I've only slept in a train station once, and that was an accident. Look, if they don't want people sleeping in Grand Central, they shouldn't make that staircase so darn comfortable. Anyway, there is a place where you can snooze by the tracks without getting a rude wakeup call from station security. St. Louis' defunct Union Station -- the last train left in '78 -- is now a combination shopping center, entertainment complex, and Hyatt Regency hotel. Queen rooms start at $109, and the Grand Hall has been converted into a swanky lounge. With architecture like that, I'm not sure I'd ever leave.

Yurtastic.

I also considered "yurts so good" as a headline, but decided it was best to forego it. But how glam is this little yurt in the middle of England's Cornwall county? I love the cozy floor cushions and Moroccan lanterns -- beats my hand-me-down Coleman tent anyday. (And I love my Coleman.) I'm a little leery of the nearby "compost toilet," but it also has a bathtb with a wood-burning water heater, so how bad could it be? Plus, it's only a few miles from the beaches of Port Isaac, Port Gaverne, and Trebarwith Strand. I'll bring the s'mores.

Is it low season yet?

Sleeping in Prague can be pricey. Unless, of course, you stay in your own little studio at Kozna Apartments, owned by the beloved Arcadia Old Town. Then you only have to shell out $108 (tax included) for a two-person studio tucked behind Old Town Square. Hold off until low season, and it's only $80. And once you've sidestepped the astronomical hotel prices, the rest is a cakewalk. Wander around Old Town (free), visit the Charles Bridge (also free) or stroll through the national museum (a whopping five bucks). Yes, wallet, I love you too.

More lava!

Nothing makes a good vacation better quite like a volcano does. That explains my love affair with Hawaii, Santorini, Lanzarote, St. Lucia, Pompeii...even Yellowstone. Bonus points if the volcano is active. And triple bonus points if it spews glowing red lava down its western slope nightly, like the Arenal Volcano in Costa Rica. Needless to say, the majority of hotels set up shop on the eastern slope in La Fortuna. My personal favorite is the Volcano Lodge, where you can watch the seismic show from the freeform pool or hot tub. And it's only $84/night in "green season," which runs May through December. That means it's going to rain. A lot. Like eight inches a month -- so if you're made of sugar, you may want to spring the $110/night for high season instead.

Also, one final round of bonus points to Costa Rica for putting swim-up bars in their hot springs -- a noble idea if I've ever heard one. A visit to Baldi Hot Springs is only $25 -- besides the ten spring-fed pools, it has a restaurant and spa. Ahhh.

So hip it hurts.

It's winter in Cape Town right now. Luckily, if you shack up at Daddy Long Legs, you don't even need to leave the warmth of your bed to see artwork from some of South Africa's creative geniuses. Since I love maps, my personal favorite is the "You Are Here" room (middle) designed by architect Andre Vorster. But I give an honorable mention to the "Photo Booth" room (right) designed by photog Antony Smyth. The rooms start at a dreamy $85/night -- but no matter how tasty these pics look, the vibe is geared more towards backpackers than boutique snobs. It's on busy Long Street in the city center, but if you can handle the noise (and the lack of TV), it's a fab deal in a unique hotel.

This place exists.

Pictures of Zion National Park always look retouched, because it's hard to believe that something like this photo can actually just happen without any sort of digital manipulation. But, of course, it does look like this, and you owe it to the world to go see it. Especially since it's dirty-cheap. Entrance to the park only costs $25 for a week-long vehicle pass, so you'll have plenty of time to see it all. (Okay, so maybe that's not true. But you will have plenty of time to do enough hiking to deplete a year's supply of Advil.)

The Driftwood Lodge, two miles from the park entrance, has deluxe queen rooms for only $119 in the summer. But my money's on the Cliffrose Lodge and Gardens -- $139 for a king, 200 yards from Zion, with a waterfall jacuzzi. Pop some ibuprofen and meet me there.