Excess in Texas.

I could gain five pounds in San Antonio. Because even though I'd pay a visit to the Alamo and walk through the Natural Bridge Caverns, I know I'd spend the majority of my time eating my way down the Riverwalk. There are few things I like more than a waterfront pathway, especially one with Christmas lights and spicy food. My needs are simple.

First stop: Dick's Last Resort, part of a mini-chain of BBQ joints, for a bucket of ribs ($17.99 for a rack) and a Mile High Peanut Butta Pie ($4.99).

Next: Casa Rio, a 60-year-old Mexican restaurant with the famous (well, famous if you're a photo junkie) primary-colored umbrellas along the river. Keep it real with an enchilada platter.

And finally: A dinner cruise from Cafe Ole, which includes chili con queso, a monster fajita, and fried ice cream for $30. Margaritas are an extra $10, but they put Marnier in 'em, so that's a plus. Note to my local bartender: "Golden margarita" does not mean "put Cuervo in it."

Sleep off the calories at the Drury Inn on the Riverwalk...it's within rolling distance. For $139 a night, they even have a rooftop pool, but I fear I'd sink right to the bottom.

So many "train" cliches to choose from!

I've only slept in a train station once, and that was an accident. Look, if they don't want people sleeping in Grand Central, they shouldn't make that staircase so darn comfortable. Anyway, there is a place where you can snooze by the tracks without getting a rude wakeup call from station security. St. Louis' defunct Union Station -- the last train left in '78 -- is now a combination shopping center, entertainment complex, and Hyatt Regency hotel. Queen rooms start at $109, and the Grand Hall has been converted into a swanky lounge. With architecture like that, I'm not sure I'd ever leave.

This could be heaven or this could be hell.

I love yard sales. I rarely buy anything -- I think my last acquisition was a $1 accordion-style wine rack three years ago. But I could easily spend every weekend trolling sales. I love seeing what ex-treasures were downgraded to trash; like, why are you just now ready to part with that collection of 78's or that antique baby powder tin or that sequined wreath? That's why I'm obsessed with the 127 Corridor Sale, aka the World's Longest Yard Sale. And they mean "longest" in the truest sense of the word -- the goods spread 450 miles from the sale's HQ in Jamestown, Tennesee. The sale runs from August 2-5, 2007, so you only have a few days to tune up your car for the long crawl. But if you've been searching far and wide for a Donald Duck bobblehead or used steel-toe boots, this is your place.

$1,000 or Less: Aruba

It's hurricane season, my favorite time of year to take dirt-cheap Caribbean vacations. Aruba jumps on the low-season bandwagon every summer, but I still don't know why. This is an island that gets three inches of rain in its wettest month (December) and has a four-degree deviation between the middle of summer and the dead of winter. There's no such thing as low season here. So visit now -- while they're pretending the weather sucks -- and use the money saved on a Balashi.

NYC to AUA: $375 (Delta flies direct; from Philly, try US Airways)

HOTEL: Three nights at the Amsterdam Manor Beach Resort, above. If you can handle walking across a teeny street to Eagle Beach, it's one of the best deals on the island. A studio runs $159/night between April and December, and the decor is simple and inoffensive (no beachy-neon bedspreads). Order a rum something-or-other from the Tropical Beach Bar, dine on the sand at Passions, or get a quick bite at Mango's open-air restuarant. Or cook for yourself, since every room has a kitchenette.

EAT: If you love meat, do yourself a favor and eat a ton of it at Amazonia (near Palm Beach). For around $35, you'll get rodizio-style service until you beg them to stop. Mmm. By the way, chicken tastes so much better when it's wrapped in bacon. For a really cheap meal, grab a bag of plantain chips at any convenience store, or visit a roadside stand and try a meat- or fish-filled pastechi (usually around $2).

DO: Nothing. That's the specialty here. Or, if you must, spring $15 for a tube ride from one of the beach vendors. But don't put any faith in their safety measures. It's not a thrill ride unless you can actually get severly injured.

TOTAL: $904. Spend the rest on all the meals I overlooked in my churrascaria daze.

It's a cold day in Dubai. Sort of.

Let me preface this by saying that I love, love, love Dubai's total lack of simplicity. They've got the world's tallest hotel, the futuristic Burj al-Arab, looming 1,053 feet over an artifical island. They've got the Palm Islands and The World. But most importantly, it's 93 degrees in the shade and they've got skiing. Hey, why not? Ski Dubai is located inside the Mall of the Emirates, which (naturally) is one of the biggest malls in the world. A full-day lift ticket costs $73 and gives you access to five runs and a snowpark (the biggest in the world, if you hadn't guessed). It'll also get you rental skis, a jacket, snowpants, socks and a helmet -- all the things you don't pack when heading for the Arabian Peninsula.

Come and get me, mosquito.

I swear, every time I go to the beach, I come home with six different types of bug bites. Two complications this time: One, I have a bite on the inside of my middle toe that is killing me. And two, I'm out of Humphrey's. WAIT! Before you click, let me clarify. On a late-night walk along Palm Beach in Aruba, I acquired no less than thirty bites -- three on one toe, and itchy toes are my pet peeve. When I finally stumbled down to front desk the next morning and begged for some Benadryl or a shotgun, the fabulous concierge instructed me to buy a pot of Humphrey's Anti-Itch Ointment. It says the active ingredient is plain old benzocaine, but I can assure you it's made of magic and wishes and sunshine. Now for the downside: it's marketed as a hemorrhoid cream stateside. Try to ignore that, and pack a pot on your next trip to the tropics. Your toes will thank you.

Yurtastic.

I also considered "yurts so good" as a headline, but decided it was best to forego it. But how glam is this little yurt in the middle of England's Cornwall county? I love the cozy floor cushions and Moroccan lanterns -- beats my hand-me-down Coleman tent anyday. (And I love my Coleman.) I'm a little leery of the nearby "compost toilet," but it also has a bathtb with a wood-burning water heater, so how bad could it be? Plus, it's only a few miles from the beaches of Port Isaac, Port Gaverne, and Trebarwith Strand. I'll bring the s'mores.

Is it low season yet?

Sleeping in Prague can be pricey. Unless, of course, you stay in your own little studio at Kozna Apartments, owned by the beloved Arcadia Old Town. Then you only have to shell out $108 (tax included) for a two-person studio tucked behind Old Town Square. Hold off until low season, and it's only $80. And once you've sidestepped the astronomical hotel prices, the rest is a cakewalk. Wander around Old Town (free), visit the Charles Bridge (also free) or stroll through the national museum (a whopping five bucks). Yes, wallet, I love you too.

Swizzle in, swagger out.

I think Bermuda's reputation as the stuffy counterpart to the Caribbean is a little bit unfair. For starters, Bermuda shorts are totally fun. I dare you to disagree. And consider their national drink: the rum swizzle, a mix of black seal rum, barbados rum, OJ, pineapple juice, grenadine, bitters and lime. Yum. The Swizzle Inn, with locations on the South Shore and Bailey's Bay, is the best spot to drink as many as you can handle (check their logo, above). They even offer a jug for $22.75 -- come on, how stuffy is that? And since Bermuda's chichi cuisine can drain your wallet, it's important to know that you can get bangers and mash here for $14.75. Yum again.

More lava!

Nothing makes a good vacation better quite like a volcano does. That explains my love affair with Hawaii, Santorini, Lanzarote, St. Lucia, Pompeii...even Yellowstone. Bonus points if the volcano is active. And triple bonus points if it spews glowing red lava down its western slope nightly, like the Arenal Volcano in Costa Rica. Needless to say, the majority of hotels set up shop on the eastern slope in La Fortuna. My personal favorite is the Volcano Lodge, where you can watch the seismic show from the freeform pool or hot tub. And it's only $84/night in "green season," which runs May through December. That means it's going to rain. A lot. Like eight inches a month -- so if you're made of sugar, you may want to spring the $110/night for high season instead.

Also, one final round of bonus points to Costa Rica for putting swim-up bars in their hot springs -- a noble idea if I've ever heard one. A visit to Baldi Hot Springs is only $25 -- besides the ten spring-fed pools, it has a restaurant and spa. Ahhh.

Thai one on.

I'm starving, which may be why I'm dreaming of my favorite cheap eats in DC -- Bangkok Bistro on Prospect Street in Georgetown. I love the pad thai, and I love the spring rolls, and I love the fact that their website currently has Georgetown misspelled as "Gorge Town." Or maybe that was intentional; I guess it's accurate, either way. There are plenty of places to overpay for a decent meal in DC. If you want crazy ambience for $11, I'd go here instead.

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Maybe it's because I don't have air conditioning, but I've been doing a lot of fantasizing about Alaska lately. Mostly I've been drooling over pics of Glacier Bay National Park, an amazing system of mountains, fjords, lakes and (duh) glaciers. Since it's 65 miles fro the nearest interstate -- aka Juneau -- it's only accessible by plane or boat. And I sure as hell am not about to land a puddle-jumper on that giant ice cube. Luckily, a lux cruise ship totally counts as a boat. Most of Princess Cruises' Alaskan routes dock at Glacier Bay for nine or ten hours; you can get an oceanview cabin for as little as $699 in August. (Cruises are almost always cheaper at the last minute.) They don't sail from October through March, so get moving.

So hip it hurts.

It's winter in Cape Town right now. Luckily, if you shack up at Daddy Long Legs, you don't even need to leave the warmth of your bed to see artwork from some of South Africa's creative geniuses. Since I love maps, my personal favorite is the "You Are Here" room (middle) designed by architect Andre Vorster. But I give an honorable mention to the "Photo Booth" room (right) designed by photog Antony Smyth. The rooms start at a dreamy $85/night -- but no matter how tasty these pics look, the vibe is geared more towards backpackers than boutique snobs. It's on busy Long Street in the city center, but if you can handle the noise (and the lack of TV), it's a fab deal in a unique hotel.

Better than Six Flags!

I don't understand why theme parks around here don't look anything like Xcaret Eco Theme Park in Playa del Carmen. I guess rollercoasters are fun in their own way -- except for the nausea -- but can we discuss the total superiority of this place? You can snorkel a coral reef, snooze on the beach, relax in a lagoon, swim in an underground river, take a snuba tour, see a rodeo, swim with dolphins...you get the point. Plus they have all sorts of awwww-inspiring animal exhibits. And it's only $53 to get in ($80 extra if you want to bond with Flipper).

You cell phone just wants to help.

I'll admit it, I was slacking on the posts this weekend. But there's a good reason: I was mooching. I spent the weekend at the Jersey shore, sleeping on my aunt's floor and gorging on soft pretzels (25 cents each) and homemade cookies (free).

Ahh, frugality.

Anyway, for more far-flung excursions, I've recently become addicted to the free text help you can get from Google via cell phone -- without paying a fortune per minute for web access. Need a phone number? Text the name and zip to GOOGL (46645, if you're too lazy) and it'll shoot back the digits. No habla espanol? Can't parlez-vous francais? Text the letter T, the word or phrase, and the language you need to translate to or from (for example, t beer to spanish) and you're an instant bilinguist (cerveza!).

Just not while driving. 'Kay?