Why you'll never find me in first.

A recent argument about the virtues of first class reminded me again why I adore coach. I defy anyone to find one thing about the front cabin that justifies a $1,000 upcharge.

Let's start with a little analogy. Last week, I went to a hole-in-the-wall, counter-service Mexican restaurant, where I was charged $15.95 for a plain ol' burrito served on cafeteria trays with plastic knives and a tiny cup of salsa. Total rip-off, right?

Okay. Now let's discuss the people who pay $1,000 for the following perks:

1) "Better" food, which is still inarguably nasty airline food served with plastic utensils. The difference is, this fine meal just cost them the same as their ENTIRE food budget for the rest of the trip.

2) Shorter check-in lines, thus saving about 15 minutes which they will instead spend watching CNN in their plastic chairs at the gate because first class still takes off at the same time as coach. Unless, of course, they choose to wait in the...

3) First class lounge! Or, in essence, a fluorescent-lit nightclub with a cover charge fifty times higher than Ghostbar. But hey, there's beer, which may or may not be free depending on which airline they're flying.

4) Wider seats. Because nothing is more relaxing than a leather seat that sort of reclines while sharing a dry, airless cabin hundreds of strangers.

5) Champage, maybe. Although again, they may just get orange juice. But if they're on one of the luxury liners that serves bubbly, they can rest assured knowing they paid a cool grand for that glass. Sip, don't gulp.

Overall, I think the first class cabin is the biggest tourist trap in the world. Why spend hard-earned money -- or valuable points -- for an extra few inches of leg room? (Especially considering the average American spends 60 hours at their not-so-comfortable desk to save up that much money.) Save the cash and extend your vacation by a few days. Trust me, even the rockiest beach is more relaxing than a recliner in business class, and even the lousiest dive bar beats a $1,000 glass of cheap champagne.